Part One: The Cold Cycle

There was a neat and concise version of this post. This is not that version. Instead, dear readers, what follows is part one of a multipart epic. You’re welcome.

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For a little context, I think I should walk you through my career as an artist so far. Believe it or not, that’s not something I’m usually prone to do. When I have to, I usually find myself expanding some parts and shrinking others beyond recognition.

Today, I’ll try and put everything through a cold cycle in the hope that it maintains its form.

Twelve months after graduating from drama school, I found myself in a hotel in Spain as part of the resident entertainment team. As well as performing four, I have to say, pretty impressive production shows (the part of the job we signed up for) we were also responsible for the entirety of the daytime and evening entertainment programme at the resort (the part of the job we DID NOT sign up for). As much as, looking back, I’m grateful for this job, for everything it taught me and the people it introduced me to, there were moments during 8.30AM aqua aerobics when I couldn’t help but think that THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

Side note - the Take That/Lulu cover of ‘Relight My Fire’ is an absolute Class A - BANGER for aqua aerobics.

On returning back to Blighty, I gave my Panto Dame numerous times, sometimes to excited school children in gym halls while brandishing sweets, sometimes to even more excited adults in the back rooms of pubs while brandishing sex toys. But never in a big commercial theatre with a Gok Wan, a Les Dennis or perhaps saddest of all, an Alison Hammond.

I tried my hand at cruising (OI OI!) and while the opportunity to travel on someone else’s dime was something I relished, the literal cabin fever of days, weeks and months at sea had me feeling more like a kidnapped Jane Doe than a Jane McDonald.

I dabbled in the musical theatre sub-worlds of ‘new writing’ and ‘fringe’. Each new musical I joined at its entry level had whispers of being the next big thing. Unfortunately, none of them were, although one did involve me being seduced by a star of the TV quiz show ‘Eggheads’; him dressed in drag as my matronly school teacher, me his obedient and naive pupil. So there’s that.

Many of these jobs were operated under ‘profit share’. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, no one involved is paid upfront. Instead, at the end of the run, all costs are subtracted from the revenue generated by the show through ticket sales and the profit is divided equally among everyone. SPOILER ALERT: they never make any profit.

It’s also important to note that very rarely were any of these roles consecutive. There have also been long periods in the wilderness. Just like Jesus (alarming not even close to the first time I’ve compared myself to him), I experienced temptations during these times. Depending on how long you’ve known me, you may or may not be aware of my multiverse careers including, but not limited to, Visual Merchandiser, Theatre Manager and Personal Trainer (still very interested in exploring that particular multiverse please Dm Me FoR mOrE iNfO).

Luckily, every time I looked away, art grabbed me tenderly by the chin and guided my eyes back to his.

All of that to say, while I was still truly and utterly besotted by him, art hadn’t been the kindest to me for the first 10 years of our ‘working’ relationship.

And so, when people really did, in earnest, start to pay me properly to make art with them, and to travel the country and the world with it, art that I adored and adore, it was a dream come true.

It sounds like the perfect place to end the story, doesn’t it? The only problem is, I think it’s just the beginning.